The Mind Of A Lost Boy

The story of my book, mind of the lost boy.

I JUST SPENT LIKE AN 1 HOUR OF MY LIFE ON THIS, GENIUS

this is legit so sick. 

(via thegigglingvillain)

But bring back me back to grow up one day.

Be human.

So fucking amazing

Cigarettes and Weed. I need to stop, cause its slowly going to destroy me. Not by the cancer, or the physical aspect. I can deal with that, i’m not afraid to die no matter how it happens. But i’ve begun to have this need for them, i truly am addicted now. Because when i’m sober, when i don’t have something to numb life away everything gets to real, to scary. Life becomes something that truly there and it constantly looks for ways to fuck me over. Or honestly, i make my own destructive path with these as my starting line. I’m lost and i need help. God, anyone, i just need to feel free. If only for a little.

August 2007

First time in awhile i’ve picked up this thing. First time i’ve written anything that wasn’t for school. I don’t really know why decided to now…i guess i really just don’t know what to do at all. Matt died, or well he actually killed himself. “Probably because of his parents.” That’s all i hear these days. From my parents to just strangers on the street. It got put in the paper, that angered me. Some prick wrote about him some section in the paper, all about suicide and what brings a kid to do it. They made him seem like some weak victim to life. But he wasn’t! He decided this for himself, he wanted out so he got fucking out, they need to drop it! 

It just kills me to see everyone talking about him like this…he would hate it. He hated being noticed, let alone talked about. “Just another shadow” he would say proudly. That’s why he isn’t a victim. He didn’t do this for any reason, he wasn’t trying to “make a statement”; Matt did it because he wanted too. Because he hated everything and everyone around us, i know because we hated the world together!

I just want to know why he didn’t tell me…We had good thing going, we could burden each others hate, make each other sane. Wasn’t i good enough? A good enough friend to not just leave behind with not even a goodbye. 

I remember I was in this play last year, i don’t know why i did it but it was actually really fun. My middle school put on Peter Pan and i was the main character. When i told Dace about it he smiled and threw me a book, he’s in college now. “Read it when your not studying lines.” It was the actual book Peter Pan. I didn’t even know there was a book, i thought it was just some disney kids movie. So i read it, and loved it. I read it about three times actually. And i loved the character Peter, he was so cocky and dangerous. He exactly what i wanted to be as a kid. My imagination becoming reality in front of me and i had a life of action and fun. We were very different but i studied everything about the character, so that i could be spot on for my performance. And once opening night ended, everyone in our school was patting me on the back and telling me how amazing i did. Asking for name and what grade i was from, was a transfer student, the questions would just flood upon me. That was the day i went from a shadow, to Peter Pan. But just like the real Peter, i had my own shadow. Matt was my shadow, still hiding. Hating the world. Maybe i didn’t hate enough with him…maybe he was done being Peter’s shadow. Maybe he really did want all this attention, and deep down he hated being that shadow. Maybe it was me…

And still just like Peter, i’m flying around frantically searching for my lost half. 

Decemeber 2009

The weirdest thing happened last night. I went back and played those old games we used to play Matt. You know, our “plays”? God i miss those days. Where nothing seemed to matter and the world was our playground? I remember fighting side by side with you as we stormed a castle, or fought Darth Vader, or breaking my mirror with baseball in the room. Paradise. But yeah back to yesterday. My mom found these old home videos of back when we were kids. There was one of us fighting with those stupid damn plastic bats. I watched and chuckled as i swallowed back some tears, completely focused on us instead of my mom’s worried looks. Behind the faces of trying to tough there were these bright smiles, we were different people in that video, happy people. We looked pretty fucking stupid though that’s for sure, by our noises each time the bats hit; sounds as if we were fighting with swords. I remember think we were so strong and brave during those “plays”, nothing could beat us. Weird how being control of your own life makes you feel so alive. 

That is what brought me to what happened an hour later. I was in my room and i couldn’t help but go back to us. I saw it so much more real this time though, i loved it. You and I were best friends again, bullets flying past us and machine guns in our hands. Dirt and blood covered our skin and we were trapped. One hundred men charging in fast from the east. A battle had just ended and only you and i were left to fight. I stepped back and was shaking a bit but you grabbed my shoulder and smiled. It was the same smile you had in that video, i stood up and ran towards the battle with you at my heels. Yelling and screaming as the bullets exploded from my gun. We were unstoppable. Until of course i tripped on a rock and fell to the ground. Unfortunately i was back in my room and i tripped over my skateboard. Got too into it i guess.

So i picked myself up as i laughed at my dorky self when i turned and noticed that the blinds on my window had been left wide open. All i could think of was shit. You remember how my room is laid out. Top floor, large window, that is very visible from the house with the really cute girl in it, Caroline. I looked down from her window down to the backyard. 

“Fuck” i cursed under my breathe.

She was right there, watching the whole time probably. I had to have looked like the biggest idiot in the world, i mean if only you could have seen that tape and then pictured a sixteen year old boy doing it, had to be a mess. But thats when the weird thing happened. After hiding from my shame for a bit i slowly got up to see if she had left, but there she was, holding and imaginary sniper in her hand. I saw her shoulder twitch and i ducked quickly. The bullet rocketed through the window that now was just above me. Glass shards fell down onto my banged up helmet, my gun pressed to my chest. I looked around for you but you weren’t here this time. I had to survive this one on my own. I took a deep breath and rose just a bit, and her bullet shot my helmet right off. I took the chance of time i had and shot a couple rounds her way but even with the higher elevation, she had good cover. This went on for a couple minutes, our heated battle until finally i saw my bullet fly, in slomo of course, straight into her left shoulder. Her body dropped and i sighed with relief and smiled. Thats when everything came back and saw her. Beautiful just lying down on next to her pool. Her hand dipped just half way in the water, her tongue out, and hair a mess. The smile i had stayed with me here though. I haven’t had a partner with me in my head since you left. 

Oddly enough though it gets weirder. I ran down to my backyard so that i could actually talk to her. But when i looked over the wall she had left. I dropped down to the ground but i knocked a piece of paper down with me.

“ Dear Peter Pan,

Thanks for the first date lol :P

1. 928-7983”

I can’t believe she remembered me from Peter Pan. I take back my first sentence, the best thing happened last night.